Hey girls!
Life has been.... strange. I saw Ryan yesterday for the first time. Not as bad as I had anticipated, I'm just still slightly regretting the entire relationship, but entirely healed of heart break and LOVING being single. My classes are all boring and it's been really hard getting back into the swing of school. Work is great. I have a better position and more regular hours and I just love the people I work with and it's always fun to go to work (except the COLD walk there). It's snowing and it's gorgeous but too cold for comfort.
I've had a really hard time deciding what to be here. Should I be a Christian or just a normal college kid? And sometimes I feel like I can do both and have the best of both worlds, and other times I feel convicted to "stand up and walk" and actually do something and live entirely for God. This morning after coming from church, I was totally like, yeah I'm so ready God, just take my life. I'm ready to do your will.. bla bla bla. And then I get back and I'm planning my trip to Europe for Spring Break (which btw I am sooo excited for). But it's still this endless question of what are the boundaries? What's ok? And I had intended on coming back to the US and just waiting until I turned 21 to drink, but I guess I like drinking a little more than I thought. And I love being in college and I love how some stupid parties make everyone family. I LOVE IT. But on the other hand, I love how when you're standing in church singing worship music, you can feel God moving around the room touching you and people around you. You can see it in people's faces and you can hear it in their voices. I am always so touched. I think to myself, this is so AWESOME that this many people can openly love God and lift their voices to Him. And then I leave church, and that sensation is totally gone. Of course. That's how probably 80% of the people in the church feel every week. I do kind of still feel like I CAN do both though. I can go out and hang out on the weekends and still go to church on Sunday mornings. But I want more. I still am having such a hard time just giving myself up and saying, "God you can have ALL of my time. Not just Sunday mornings and Tuesday nights but ALL of my time."
And then there's this:
15I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! 16So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. (revelation 3:15-16)
Better to be a complete sinner than a lukewarm Christian. So I can't have both. I must choose. And this morning I was on fire. Right now, I'm like, "you know what Lord? I just don't really feel like it. I know you're great and everything and you've done a lot for me, but I just don't really feel like it." It's like what's wrong with me?!
I think I'm just actually happy right now and I don't feel like I need to change anything. I love having time to myself and being back here at school. I feel good about myself. I feel healthy. The pastor at the church here told me that someone wrote the best way to get close to God is through suffering and short term missions. This morning when I was all into church and I told God that I want to seriously commit, he said to me, "ok. but this is not going to be an easy year. you are going to have some big ups and downs." I guess I can handle that. because "Though you stumble, you will not fall, for the Lord holds you by the hand." Psalm 37:24
Just thought I'd share some babbling with you.
Love you girls
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2 comments:
Becca,
This weekend was the WM Leadership Retreat at the beach, and this topic came up a million times. We were all asked to sign a code of conduct. A simple piece of paper, but one that to me felt like signing over my life unwillingly. No more drunk nights. No more sleeping around. No more sex before marriage. No more risking this ministry for a little bit of fun. Instead, love God. Love the girls of WM. Love your leadership team. Let God use you as a role model. Anyway, Kayla and I, as co-directors, needed to be the first ones to say we would do this. We needed to be the ones to say that not only would we be happy to sign this sheet for God, but that we would be happy to help the other girls in their struggles with following this sheet, or ask them to step down from leadership. Heavy stuff, right? Kayla and I are probably the most impure girls in WM. We both love to party. And at parties, we love to get drunk. We love sex. We love love love sex. We love all of these things, and they have become a part of our lives. And as of today, we are going to pray harder than ever to push them out of our lives. We have been asked to choose to live a life of purity for God. And believe me. I would much rather end my story the way you did. The in-between. Or even the sin now, make up for it later. That is what I would prefer. But I know that is wrong. And I know that WM is doing this for a reason, and that it is God speaking through Allie. Anyway, I am probably not making any sense. And I am probably talking in circles. But what I do want to say is that I am in the same boat you are girl. Only I am not making my decision on my own. Either way, I love that we are struggling with the same thoughts. Luckily, they didn't ask us to stop drinking altogether. And they didn't say no fooling around with boys. God knows we aren't perfect. And apparently so does WM. I love you. I love how you found the perfect scripture to help me get through this.
I miss you two so much. You have no idea. When I slept with Paul, before wanting to tell my best friend or my roommate, I wanted to call you two. I wanted to tell you two because you guys were the only ones who understood how crazy it was of me when I realized I liked him. Ugh. Anyway, no matter how much Christianity and God can frustrate me sometimes, God is good for bringing you girls into my life. You are true blessings.
LOVE LOVE LOVE!!
OOh - WM Spring Seminar theme:
belong. believe. beLOVED.
(and you are sooo loved!)
Bri
haha that totally sucks!
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